Monday, March 8, 2010

Day 198 - "In This White Wave, I Am Sinking in This Silence"

I am officially, without a doubt, in full-on panic mode.  By that, I mean that I am probably one wrong glance away from a full blown clinical panic attack.

I keep obsessively checking my email, jumping every time my phone rings, lunging at any form of communication that may or may not reduce the sense of panic I feel rising in my abdomen and set my nerves at ease.  It's a teeth grinding, stomach churning, heavy chested form of hell where I don't know which way is up or when it is going to end.

I just know that it is going to end sometime, whether in good or bad news.

Everyone keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about, that I have no problems talking to people and that the most challenging task would be figuring out which assistantship to put me in.  That's not what I'm worried about - once I get to an interview, any interview, I'll be fine - it's the indefinite wait that is rubbing my nerves raw like scrubbing your face with steel wool.  I'm almost to the point that I've resigned myself to a rejection letter, even though the application deadline was just Friday and I know that they didn't meet over the weekend.

If the suspense doesn't kill me, then it'll raise my blood pressure enough to be that of a normal person.  More updates tomorrow, or as soon as I hear something.


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