Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Day 207 - "Movin' On Up"

I'm separating all of my news into two blog posts to make it easier on the eyes.

After all of the stress I had been putting myself through, I broke down Sunday evening and emailed my admissions counselor for graduate school.  I was worried enough and had had enough close calls with panic attacks that I needed to do something.  Panic symptoms suck.

When I got home from work Monday afternoon, there was an email waiting from the program director.  It turns out that some of my paperwork had gotten misplaced, misfiled, or something, and that I could have had an answer weeks ago.  All I would have had to have done was gotten over myself and emailed someone.

Now I'm gearing up for interviews!  I have a bunch of internships that I spent all day today writing cover letters and resumes for and I'll be tentatively interviewing for positions on April 1st!

I feel so much lighter now.  All of this weight has just slid off of me and I feel like me again.  The stress is gone.  I just have to go in there, show them how awesome I am, and hope that I don't do something stupid - like trip over my own two feet.


Day 207 - "A Little Bit of Life"

I was in such a panic about grad school that I forgot to share a little slice of me growing up.

I, the mechanically challenged 23-year-old that I am, bought a set of tires all by myself last week.

You see, I was driving home from work Thursday afternoon and I apparently ran over a screw, completely unnoticed.  Around three o'clock that afternoon, my sister Erin drops by for a visit, and as she walks in the door, I hear, "Dude, Ashley, you've got a flat tire."

"What are you talking about?" I replied.

"Go look at it!  I was wondering why you were parked like that.  How'd you miss it?"

Sure enough, I went to look at my car and my front passenger's side tire was flat.  I don't mean just a little slack, but cartoonish, oh-my-gosh-what-the-h#%$-happened flat.  Thankfully, my dad came home a couple of minutes later, discovered the screw, and sent me to have my tire fixed.  That was the quickest and cheapest car repair I've ever had done.  Fifteen minutes, five bucks, and I was back on the road.

However, my tires were the original ones on the car and, according to the mechanic at the shop, pretty well worn, so Friday I had to venture out and get new tires.  The guy who put the plug in my old tire quoted me a price of a little over $320 for a full set, but being slightly broke I did not want to spend that much on tires.

Finally, Friday afternoon, I bought a set of tires for $271.11.  I did it all on my own, without my dad or boyfriend there to help. 

And I know nothing about tires.

I know that it sounds strange to be so proud about buying tires, but it's one of those ventures into the adult world that sort of validates that yes, I can function on my own even if I have absolutely no clue what I'm talking about.  I sorted out a major investment and took care of it all of my own accord, and it felt good.

Well, until I handed over the check.  That kind of stunk.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Day 203 - "If I Just Breathe"

After nearly throwing up at work Wednesday because of the panic, nerves, and stress I've been feeling about grad school, I talked to my friend Sondra.  Sondra lived across the hall from me during my first year of college and was one of the first upperclassmen I had met.  She's also in a higher education administration program and working on her master's degree.

She reminded me that "early March" could be any time until around the 20th of the month, so I guess that I still have some waiting to do.  Not only that, the school was on spring break this past week, so all of my panic about this was somewhat irrational - no one was even there to discuss any of the applications, let alone send out interview invites.

We'll just wait and see, wait and see.  If all else fails, then Sondra's program has an application deadline of May 15th.  There's still time; I'm just uneasy as to how much time is enough.


Monday, March 8, 2010

Day 198 - "In This White Wave, I Am Sinking in This Silence"

I am officially, without a doubt, in full-on panic mode.  By that, I mean that I am probably one wrong glance away from a full blown clinical panic attack.

I keep obsessively checking my email, jumping every time my phone rings, lunging at any form of communication that may or may not reduce the sense of panic I feel rising in my abdomen and set my nerves at ease.  It's a teeth grinding, stomach churning, heavy chested form of hell where I don't know which way is up or when it is going to end.

I just know that it is going to end sometime, whether in good or bad news.

Everyone keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about, that I have no problems talking to people and that the most challenging task would be figuring out which assistantship to put me in.  That's not what I'm worried about - once I get to an interview, any interview, I'll be fine - it's the indefinite wait that is rubbing my nerves raw like scrubbing your face with steel wool.  I'm almost to the point that I've resigned myself to a rejection letter, even though the application deadline was just Friday and I know that they didn't meet over the weekend.

If the suspense doesn't kill me, then it'll raise my blood pressure enough to be that of a normal person.  More updates tomorrow, or as soon as I hear something.


Friday, March 5, 2010

Day 195 - (Quiet)

Today is the official deadline to apply to my graduate program.  I should know in "early March" whether or not I am being asked to interview for a graduate assistantship.  Needless to say, I have been one hot mess all week.

This weekend is going to be torture.  Will I know Monday?  Tuesday?  Tonight after everyone has left the office?  I hate not knowing.  Surprises are okay, but when my future hangs in the balance, I am not okay with handing control of my life over to someone else.

I guess I'll just have to keep waiting.  I'll have to hear something eventually - right?