Monday, January 25, 2010
Good news for now. At least I'll know I'll be able to sleep without feeling panic symptoms tonight. sigh
I've been curious about grad school, so last night I emailed my admissions counselor to see when I would be notified if I've been offered a GA interview.
I keep making myself panic, and if I don't watch it, I will make myself have a panic attack before I get off work at 12.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
After I was finished in the store, I began walking around the outlet mall and I noticed how quaint it is. All of the sparkly snow piles along the sides of the sidewalks, ice cicles hanging from the roofs, and a family of ducks quacking and waddling across the little pond. I was the only one I could see out and about; everyone else was either inside one of the stores or probably at work or school. I felt like I was standing in my own little town, with music lilting in the background and I was at the top of the hill, ready to go.
Ok, I was literally on top of a hill, but there was something empowering that happened. I don't know if it was the sudden realization that I was out here alone and I enjoyed it, or if suddenly I had one of those moments where you fully realize the extent of how far you've come, where you're at, and where you think you're about to be.
The scene ended almost like I was in a movie. I was walking down the cobblestone sidewalk towards my car, the wind blowing back my coat behind me, and in the background are the song lyrics "I am invincible" are playing softly. Major whoa moment right there.
Maybe something has clicked. Maybe I finally stopped freaking out. Maybe I just realized my confidence in my adult capabilities after some thought and conversation. All I know is that I feel like the narrator in Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself," standing on the roof tops of the world, sounding a barbaric yawp for all to hear.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I got my hours cut again today at work. The past two paychecks have been less than $400, which I need in order to pay my student loan bills. Even with $400 every two weeks, I'm barely breaking even. If I have a credit card balance, then I end up dipping into the cushion in my checking account. That cushion is pretty much gone.
This month, I had to transfer money from my savings account to pay my credit card bill. This is the first time I have ever had to do that.
It freaks me out because if I mess up on my student loans, then it's bye bye grad school and decent credit score. Just thinking about it makes my stomach churn.
Did I mention that when I get stressed, I go big instead of going home?
I just need to breathe deep, cleansing breaths. I will get through this. I will get through this.
Monday, January 11, 2010
This is literally making me live out of my savings account.
This worries me. I haven't been cutting it this close before. In college, I was paying for school and books, sorority dues, and living costs by working one weekend a month and breaks. Am I going to have enough to make next month's payments? If I default, grad school is no longer an option.
That thought terrifies me like you wouldn't believe.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I'm hoping that this helps me update more often instead of sticking to a computer. We shall see, we shall see.
In other words, my friends that are still in college are, for the most part, heading back to campus today. I don't feel like something is as disjointed in my life as I did back in August, but hopefully I'll be hearing something soon about grad school and have a fresh start to look forward to. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
My aunt was calling from next door, talked to my mom, and after my mom hung up we discovered that we, too, could be snowed in tomorrow, or even tonight with up to ten inches of snow expected by tomorrow evening.
I love winter, I love big bulky sweaters, and I love snow. However, this is not all going to melt anytime soon and it's supposed to keep snowing into Monday afternoon. I have to go to work Monday morning, and my little Dodge Neon does not fare well when there are massive amounts of snow on the ground.
My boyfriend and I are supposed to go see a movie tonight, so let's see if we can dig out before this evening.
Friday, January 1, 2010
All I can say is thank goodness that 2009 was over. It stunk, and that says a lot considering that I've only been on this planet 22 years and 345 days.
The year 2009 brought a lot of changes for me. I turned 22, my grandmother passed away from lung cancer due to second hand smoke, I finished my thesis (after two years,) I graduated from college and entered the work world, and made a decision about what I wanted to study in graduate school. I did a lot of soul searching, a lot of smiling, a lot of crying, and a lot of working for a year that, well, wasn't that great for many people.
However, I have resolved that 2010 is going to be better, despite me falling asleep at 8ish last night because I worked a lot at both jobs yesterday and didn't get a chance to take a nap. This year is going to rock, and if it doesn't, I'm going to reach back to this year from 2011 and give it a stern talking-to.
I've never been one for making big resolutions, but I feel like, since this is the first year of a new decade and a new beginning as my first full year of being a college graduate, that making some kind of goal or resolution is fitting. After some thought, this is what I've come up with:
- get into graduate school at all costs (because I desperately need this - no jokes)
- spend more time blogging
- stick to my schedule for my Suite101 articles as much as I can
- get up and move, even if it's walking laps around my house while I'm waiting on something
I think four is a good number of goals, mainly because I like things in even numbers and I usually make lists of four. There could be other things that I could add to the list, such as quit stressing out about student loans or stand up to my dad about my writing online or lose 100 pounds, but I feel like I can be at peace with these goals.
My big goal is just to be at peace. You would think, after I spent an entire school year interning with an organization that promotes nonviolence and peaceful living, that I could be at more peace with myself. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not, and when I'm not everything blows up and it gets very messy.
That's surprising, considering how much I enjoyed that internship.
Well, here's a toast to 2010 - may this year be a hell of a lot better than the last.