Sunday, November 29, 2009

Day 104 - "On A Mission to Make Somethin' Happen"

I'm getting nervous about grad school.

Granted, I got an email only 16 days ago saying that the admissions committee had sent my application and other materials on to the program director, and that I should be hearing from that person in a couple of weeks regarding any possible interviews for an assistantship. But here's the thing, when I know that I want something, want it badly, and know that it is within reach, I get very impatient.

Whenever I think about it, all of these what ifs start running through my head. What if I'm not offered an interview for an assistantship? What if I bomb the interview and don't get one in the end? What if this? What if that?

Maybe I just need to calm down and remind myself that yes, this is it. Yes, I can do it. To get a little bit gangsta, I've got skillz, mad skillz.

Ouch, that kind of hurt me to type that. It felt appropriate, though.

The what if that scares me the most is the what if I don't get in. What am I going to do? By the time I find out, it would almost be too late to apply to other programs, to think about getting my MA in English first instead of later in life, and I would probably be so distraught at the idea of not getting in that I might just lose my mind and have to be committed - without having health insurance.

Well, I guess there is also going back to my alma mater to get my MFA in creative writing. In reality, though, I don't think I have enough life experiences to write another creative writing thesis. I've already done one, and while I can find a plethora of things to write about in my life, I don't feel like I'm ready to sit down and write another serious book yet. Books that I'm not taking seriously, maybe, but I need some time to regroup and get thoughts back together that are outside of the technical writing realm, which is something that I have been doing a lot of lately since the student loan bills are leaving me a couple of pennies richer than flat broke.

All I can do is hope for the best, right? Well, it's the only ethical thing I can do right now. The rest would not sit well in my mind.


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