Saturday, May 14, 2011

Day 628 - Eleven Days Post Plans Going to Pot

Well, I'm beginning to become very familiar with this back to square one state of mind.  I'm not sure if I like it.

It's been eleven days since I got that nerve-wracking email saying that my application had finally been denied.  At first, I was upset.  After all, I had been researching where I was going to live, things to do in and around Athens, and the professors that I might have been working with.  And, with one little email, all of the time spent getting excited about the next leap and life suddenly became a waste of time.

So, what have I been doing the past eleven days?  Well, I was disappointed, but I think that deep down I had come to the realization that I wasn't getting in a while ago.  As much as it seems counterproductive to being a confident young woman, I've grown tired of setting myself up for disappointment in this arena.  For once, I've lowered my expectations and, unfortunately, have gotten what I've expected.

Maybe that's part of the problem.

I've also been thinking about where to go from here.  I can't continue to go on like this, so something needs to start happening.
  • Get a new job  As in, saying peace out to the Job from Hell.  I can't stay there for another school year, dealing with all of the drama and generally useless feeling I get every time I clock in.  I want to throw things at people, and that isn't going to get me anywhere except fired, which won't pay the bills.
  • Get into graduate school - at any cost  I've exhausted my options in the state of Ohio; I've come to that realization.  At the same time, though, I can't continue to just apply to one or two schools at a time.  Granted, I'm getting closer and closer to a definitive acceptance letter, but this is game face time.  I'm to the point that if I don't get in now, then I have no clue what I'm going to do about recommendations and references, let alone trying to continue to finance this whole application process.
  • Get out there  I need to start submitting to literary journals and magazines again.  I need to learn to deal with rejection.  I know that not everyone is not going to like what I write, but I'll never know if I don't continue to put it in front of them.
Part of me is fed up with myself for being where I am.  This is not where I'm supposed to be, or rather not where I want to be.  I'm not the most daring person you've ever met, but I have got to start pushing the envelope a little bit, or someone may just die if I continue to do the same thing every day.

Unfortunately, that someone may just be my spirit.


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