Today was one of those days where being the older and wiser sibling wasn't easy.
Katie, my younger sister, came home today saying that the brother of one of her classmates had tried committing suicide last week. According to the letter that the superintendent sent home, the young man is physically no longer able to be brought back to who he used to be. He's in a vegetative state. Too much damage had been done to his body, to the point where the young man his friends and classmates knew and loved isn't coming back.
Unfortunately, there's not much I could say. What do you say? Not much, I found. None of us could say much of anything. This young man had been struggling with depression, but even with the support of his family, friends, faith, and everyone around him, how do you explain to a fourteen year old that, sometimes, people you know and care about don't always get to live an entire life.
This is one thing that makes being an adult rough.
I really don't know what to say at this point in this post. Beyond hugs and love, what do you say? I'm not a parent by a long shot, but I do know how it feels to lose a classmate and friend - I lost one in both my high school and college graduating classes. But how do you relay those feelings to someone who is a part of a generation that knows and understands so much more about the world than my peers and I knew when we were eighth graders, but is still far from adulthood? I don't understand completely understand what she's going through, but I can relate. At this stage in life, is relating all I can do? Where does the line between childhood and adulthood get drawn in this case?
All I can hope is that, in the coming days, Katie and her classmates, along with the friends of this young man, can begin to find some solace in each other to begin to heal. While I don't think that there is much that can be said from those of us who are adults in various stages of life, that there is something to be said in the silence that may fall over homes and conversations in the coming days; sometimes not knowing what to say is the most grown-up thing that you can say at a time like this.
-AA
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Day 628 - Eleven Days Post Plans Going to Pot
Well, I'm beginning to become very familiar with this back to square one state of mind. I'm not sure if I like it.
It's been eleven days since I got that nerve-wracking email saying that my application had finally been denied. At first, I was upset. After all, I had been researching where I was going to live, things to do in and around Athens, and the professors that I might have been working with. And, with one little email, all of the time spent getting excited about the next leap and life suddenly became a waste of time.
So, what have I been doing the past eleven days? Well, I was disappointed, but I think that deep down I had come to the realization that I wasn't getting in a while ago. As much as it seems counterproductive to being a confident young woman, I've grown tired of setting myself up for disappointment in this arena. For once, I've lowered my expectations and, unfortunately, have gotten what I've expected.
Maybe that's part of the problem.
I've also been thinking about where to go from here. I can't continue to go on like this, so something needs to start happening.
Unfortunately, that someone may just be my spirit.
-AA
It's been eleven days since I got that nerve-wracking email saying that my application had finally been denied. At first, I was upset. After all, I had been researching where I was going to live, things to do in and around Athens, and the professors that I might have been working with. And, with one little email, all of the time spent getting excited about the next leap and life suddenly became a waste of time.
So, what have I been doing the past eleven days? Well, I was disappointed, but I think that deep down I had come to the realization that I wasn't getting in a while ago. As much as it seems counterproductive to being a confident young woman, I've grown tired of setting myself up for disappointment in this arena. For once, I've lowered my expectations and, unfortunately, have gotten what I've expected.
Maybe that's part of the problem.
I've also been thinking about where to go from here. I can't continue to go on like this, so something needs to start happening.
- Get a new job As in, saying peace out to the Job from Hell. I can't stay there for another school year, dealing with all of the drama and generally useless feeling I get every time I clock in. I want to throw things at people, and that isn't going to get me anywhere except fired, which won't pay the bills.
- Get into graduate school - at any cost I've exhausted my options in the state of Ohio; I've come to that realization. At the same time, though, I can't continue to just apply to one or two schools at a time. Granted, I'm getting closer and closer to a definitive acceptance letter, but this is game face time. I'm to the point that if I don't get in now, then I have no clue what I'm going to do about recommendations and references, let alone trying to continue to finance this whole application process.
- Get out there I need to start submitting to literary journals and magazines again. I need to learn to deal with rejection. I know that not everyone is not going to like what I write, but I'll never know if I don't continue to put it in front of them.
Unfortunately, that someone may just be my spirit.
-AA
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Day 617 - The Results Are In
Final decision for application to Ohio University's MA in creative writing program:
Denied.
-AA
Denied.
-AA
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Day 607 - Is This Where I Wanted To Be?
A college classmate of mine celebrated her birthday earlier this week and blogged about her life plan. She shared with those who were willing to read along about her plans for life when she was eighteen, where she saw herself by this point in her life, and what really happened in the grand scheme of things.
It made me think. What happened to my "life plan?"
If I remember right, it went something a little like this:
Wah, wah, waaaaah.
The teaching thing didn't work out, as we all know. I lasted a month in Ashland University's teacher education program, before a combination of bad field experiences, overwhelming feelings, and a lack of genuine dedication to the profession caused me to drop out of the program. My heart was with my writing, and I followed it knowing that job prospects wouldn't be falling into my lap any time soon. In reality, though, I couldn't see me forcing myself to go to work everyday in a position that I truly wasn't passionate about. I just couldn't do it.
Instead, I went through four years of college and earned a degree while learning from a wide variety of people. Those who I learned the most from were those that I highly respected outside of the teaching realm; they were fantastic writers, mentors, and motivators. It was something I hadn't thought about when I jotted "creative writing" down as a major on college applications. But what I did learn has pushed me further than I can imagine, including abandoning those fiction novels for something that I was "born to write," as one of my professors told me.
At twenty-four, I didn't imagine myself being a college graduate working two jobs just to pay the bills, madly in love with someone I've been dating for almost a decade (okay, maybe I did imagine that,) and teetering on the edge of a decision that could change my life both professionally and casually for the rest of my life. I didn't imagine having an online presence as a writer, or even making a living by writing for something that has gone from almost nothing to almost everything in the span of my short lifetime.
So, what about the plan?
Well, I've never been good at keeping long term plans. I never did write outlines for stories or papers, keep work out plans, and I have an editorial plan for Suite101 that I am almost three weeks behind on. One thing I do know, though, is that the plans I keep are the ones that unfold naturally, the ones that I usually don't discover until I'm in the midst of them, and the ones that teach me the most in the end. And while I'm not married, a teacher, or living in my perfect little house living the life that I planned for when I was on the verge of graduating from high school, the eighteen year old Ashley and the twenty-four year old Ashley are two beings that are hard to imagine are the same person. Ditching "the plan," or more realistically forgetting about it, probably worked out best in the end.
As these next couple of weeks unfold, I guess I'll see where "the plan," as it stands for the next five minutes, takes me next.
-AA
It made me think. What happened to my "life plan?"
If I remember right, it went something a little like this:
- Be a teacher. I was going to graduate from college and be the best creative writing and journalism teacher in the world. You know, the kind that they make movies about after they've retired about how they inspired people to love a subject/live life/succeed in the worst of circumstances. I was going to teach students how to embrace writing and all that it can do for the mind, the soul, and everything else.
- Publish a book. I was going to have books published and be a best-selling author of fiction novels. After all, there was another guy in my high school graduating class that challenged me to a race to the top of the NYT's best sellers list, and I'm too competitive to lose.
- Get married and live happily ever after. I was going to be married soon - I didn't have a specific date, but quickly - and we were going to live happily ever after. The End.
Wah, wah, waaaaah.
The teaching thing didn't work out, as we all know. I lasted a month in Ashland University's teacher education program, before a combination of bad field experiences, overwhelming feelings, and a lack of genuine dedication to the profession caused me to drop out of the program. My heart was with my writing, and I followed it knowing that job prospects wouldn't be falling into my lap any time soon. In reality, though, I couldn't see me forcing myself to go to work everyday in a position that I truly wasn't passionate about. I just couldn't do it.
Instead, I went through four years of college and earned a degree while learning from a wide variety of people. Those who I learned the most from were those that I highly respected outside of the teaching realm; they were fantastic writers, mentors, and motivators. It was something I hadn't thought about when I jotted "creative writing" down as a major on college applications. But what I did learn has pushed me further than I can imagine, including abandoning those fiction novels for something that I was "born to write," as one of my professors told me.
At twenty-four, I didn't imagine myself being a college graduate working two jobs just to pay the bills, madly in love with someone I've been dating for almost a decade (okay, maybe I did imagine that,) and teetering on the edge of a decision that could change my life both professionally and casually for the rest of my life. I didn't imagine having an online presence as a writer, or even making a living by writing for something that has gone from almost nothing to almost everything in the span of my short lifetime.
So, what about the plan?
Well, I've never been good at keeping long term plans. I never did write outlines for stories or papers, keep work out plans, and I have an editorial plan for Suite101 that I am almost three weeks behind on. One thing I do know, though, is that the plans I keep are the ones that unfold naturally, the ones that I usually don't discover until I'm in the midst of them, and the ones that teach me the most in the end. And while I'm not married, a teacher, or living in my perfect little house living the life that I planned for when I was on the verge of graduating from high school, the eighteen year old Ashley and the twenty-four year old Ashley are two beings that are hard to imagine are the same person. Ditching "the plan," or more realistically forgetting about it, probably worked out best in the end.
As these next couple of weeks unfold, I guess I'll see where "the plan," as it stands for the next five minutes, takes me next.
-AA
Monday, April 18, 2011
Day 602 - Waiting By the Mailbox in the Mud, Take Two
Yes, I know that it is impossible to get anything in the mail about graduate school today. After all, decision day was just Friday, and I'm sure that they're allowing a couple of days to account for the post office.
It goes back to that antsy feeling I talked about in my last post. I want something to genuinely look forward to, something exciting. I need an adventure, and hopefully that adventure will get me out of the mud that I feel hopelessly stuck in.
In other news, I've been researching places to live in Athens, and it looks like I may be a graduate student living on campus, at least for my first year. My first choice of living options gives first priority to students who are married with children, and while that is something I look forward to in the distant future, it is not a role within society that I will willingly fulfill right now. Wolf Street Apartments are out, at least for now. Right now, my only option looks like a dorm, or as the university calls it a house, that is meant for graduate students and undergrads over the age of 21. While dorm life may not exactly be glamorous, at least I'll have a room to myself. Not that I don't have that already, but it's better than living out of my car.
We'll have to see what the next two weeks brings. Hopefully that adventure I've been working really hard to start.
-AA
It goes back to that antsy feeling I talked about in my last post. I want something to genuinely look forward to, something exciting. I need an adventure, and hopefully that adventure will get me out of the mud that I feel hopelessly stuck in.
In other news, I've been researching places to live in Athens, and it looks like I may be a graduate student living on campus, at least for my first year. My first choice of living options gives first priority to students who are married with children, and while that is something I look forward to in the distant future, it is not a role within society that I will willingly fulfill right now. Wolf Street Apartments are out, at least for now. Right now, my only option looks like a dorm, or as the university calls it a house, that is meant for graduate students and undergrads over the age of 21. While dorm life may not exactly be glamorous, at least I'll have a room to myself. Not that I don't have that already, but it's better than living out of my car.
We'll have to see what the next two weeks brings. Hopefully that adventure I've been working really hard to start.
-AA
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Day 598 - Cabin Fever
It's April 14th, and even though I know that cabin fever is something people typically get in the winter, I'm feeling antsy.
It's not the "I want to go out and be in the sunshine" kind of antsy, either. It's the "I want to get the heck out of here" kind of antsy; the kind of antsy that one gets when they've been in one place doing the same thing over and over and over again for way too long. It's like the little airplane gliders that the men with unusual accents used to peddle at the mall when I was a little kid. They had their freedom because they could fly around the mall, diving in and out of crowds of shoppers, but they could only go as far as the radio controller's signal would go. Once the signal died out, the plane crashed and risked being broken.
In a way, I feel like those airplanes. I'm technically free to do what I want - I could go out tomorrow and buy a new car, rent an apartment, quit the Job from Hell and pretend like I don't have a care in the world. That is, until that radio signal, a.k.a. life, comes back and bites me in the butt. I need something to get excited about, something to look forward to, and most of all, something to get me away from the Job from Hell before I actually begin to believe that I'm back in high school again. Not something I am chomping at the bit to repeat at this point in my life.
I wonder if it's just me feeling like I'm stuck in limbo between college and who knows what will come next, or if this is typical of a 24 year old to feel like you're there, you've made it - but not quite yet. I feel like I'm playing a giant game of limbo right now, and as the bar is being lowered closer and closer to the ground, I feel more anxious with each passing day because, in my opinion, I don't know what the next day is going to bring.
Maybe I'm just over analyzing. I have a tendency - scratch that, I have a very bad habit - of doing so.
-AA
It's not the "I want to go out and be in the sunshine" kind of antsy, either. It's the "I want to get the heck out of here" kind of antsy; the kind of antsy that one gets when they've been in one place doing the same thing over and over and over again for way too long. It's like the little airplane gliders that the men with unusual accents used to peddle at the mall when I was a little kid. They had their freedom because they could fly around the mall, diving in and out of crowds of shoppers, but they could only go as far as the radio controller's signal would go. Once the signal died out, the plane crashed and risked being broken.
In a way, I feel like those airplanes. I'm technically free to do what I want - I could go out tomorrow and buy a new car, rent an apartment, quit the Job from Hell and pretend like I don't have a care in the world. That is, until that radio signal, a.k.a. life, comes back and bites me in the butt. I need something to get excited about, something to look forward to, and most of all, something to get me away from the Job from Hell before I actually begin to believe that I'm back in high school again. Not something I am chomping at the bit to repeat at this point in my life.
I wonder if it's just me feeling like I'm stuck in limbo between college and who knows what will come next, or if this is typical of a 24 year old to feel like you're there, you've made it - but not quite yet. I feel like I'm playing a giant game of limbo right now, and as the bar is being lowered closer and closer to the ground, I feel more anxious with each passing day because, in my opinion, I don't know what the next day is going to bring.
Maybe I'm just over analyzing. I have a tendency - scratch that, I have a very bad habit - of doing so.
-AA
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